2023 Reflection

Staying true to the blog title, here I am the last two days of this year, reflecting. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to write this. I figured I could have a fresh start in the new year. But then, I began to go through my pictures of this year and I realized A LOT happened and I wanted to talk about it. This year was purposeful, it was intentional. I had goals in mind that I set out to accomplish and although I didn’t do everything I wanted to, I can pat myself on the back for what I did do. My therapist told me I was on the right track in one of my last sessions, but to remember that this process isn’t at all linear. Meaning that, yes be proud of the strides you’ve made, but don’t beat yourself up if you have a moment that’s not so stellar. I now have the tools to recalibrate faster when those moments come.

The ending of a year always brings about introspection, or at least it does for me. I have to sit back and think about each month, what were my goals for the year, what did I do with intention and what I could be doing better. This year was about growth and healing for me. It’s funny because, I did one of those random Facebook quizzes at the beginning of the year. This particular quiz was about the “theme” of your year. And for any of us who have taken these quizzes, you know they play in your face A LOT. The responses vary, and if you’re like me, you may take them multiple times until you get a better result. I took the quiz, chose my birth month and the result was spot on the FIRST time. Healing was the theme that I received. And healing was actually my chosen theme. Way to go Facebook, you got something right.

I remember New Year’s Day, after our watch night service, myself and a few of my tribe hung out practically all morning. We talked about EVERYTHING and what our goals were for this year (2023). I was still fresh in therapy. Side note: your girl hit her 1 year and I must say it’s going well. Aannywhoo, I knew I didn’t want to date this year. I remember saying that I wasn’t in a good place and I was afraid I would mess everything up because of where I was in life. And it wasn’t just about dating. I knew I needed to heal. I knew I needed this year to be about me, in my own little corner in my own little chair. I was isolated. In recovery. And sometimes it SUCKED, but it was what I needed. Healing was my #1 priority. And just to be clear, I didn’t decide to commit to this journey because I want to be married. It was time. I saw myself getting to the point where that wound was about to bleed out because it wasn’t properly taken care of. It was being held together by a blood soaked, raggedy piece of cloth. Kind of like those movies where someone gets shot or stabbed and all they have is a piece of shirt to tie around the wound to stop the bleeding until they’re able to get to the hospital. My wound was like that and a familiar infection was trying to creep in. One I thought I had gotten rid of years ago. And I knew I needed immediate attention.

Moving on before it gets too dark lol…let’s go down some of my 2023 highlights: I took a 3 month social media break, which I do recommend. Maybe not as long, but at least 30 days. It’s nice to be unplugged from the world for a little bit. I tried new restaurants, and discovered that I really love Indian food. It’s top tier. I got to spend the day in New York with my teammates and see The Lion King on Broadway. I got a promotion. I paid off my car *quickens violently*. I went to concerts to see some of my faves. I got to spend my 35th birthday in downtown DC with one of my favorite people. I joined the mentorship program at my job. I took Leadership classes that changed my perspective on what being a leader really means. I strengthened my current connections and cultivated new ones. I found myself ACTUALLY healed from a situation that initially had me broken and was the catalyst to get serious about my healing. I shared part of my story in a room of ladies, some I knew and others I didn’t and felt a freedom that I don’t think I ever have. I have watched new love bloom before my eyes. I got to see my brother and sister become engaged. I found my love for singing again. I learned and am still learning to set both internal and external boundaries and STICK to them. I got to spend time with me being real, open and honest with myself. And most importantly, I found a new love for studying God’s Word and getting closer to Him. This last one was important for my year. This took my year to another level. That’s another story for another time. Each and every one of those moments aided in my healing journey this year.

No, things haven’t been perfect. Everything didn’t fall in line. But I’m learning to live in the gray as uneasy as it makes me. I’m learning to stop placing certain emotions in a “good” or “bad” bucket. I’m still learning to give myself grace. I’m learning to focus only on what I can control and stop trying to control/manipulate the outcome because I’ll never be able to do it and it causes unnecessary stress. I’m learning people will adjust when you set boundaries. Some may try to press you, some may fall away because of it, and others will adhere to them. Either way, people WILL adjust. I’m learning that at some point in life you have to take the risk. How else will you know how something will turn out if you don’t? And if it doesn’t work out, at least you know you tried instead of wondering about it and you WILL be able to recover. I’m learning to listen to understand and comprehend, not just to respond. I’m learning to feel the emotion, also understanding that sometimes my tears come from not being able to put my feelings into words not necessarily because I’m sad/upset. I’m learning to ask for help. I’m learning that changing little things can make big impacts in my life. I’m learning that I don’t have to be the loudest in the room for my presence to be made known. I’m learning that it’s ok to share my gift outside of people I know (keep praying for me with this one, baby steps).

For so long, I was planted in an environment that was not conducive to my growth. I stayed in places and mindsets that were keeping me in a dry, lifeless place. My leaves were withering, limp and dying. By December 2022, I decided to move my pot and start to get the sunlight I needed. The pot I was planted in was just the right size for my leaves and roots that needed some extra TLC. Throughout 2023, I’ve been fed and hydrated well. So much to the point that my leaves are growing passed the pot and my roots are a little too cramped in that space. I know I’m not finished growing because that will never be the case, but it’s time for a new pot so I can continue to grow until the next move. Let’s see what you got 2024.