Can We Talk?

I used to think I was a good communicator until recently. I’m just a good listener. When something happens with a friend or family member, I want them to talk about it with me. Let’s get it out in the open so we can get clarity. I, on the other hand,  am more introspective. There is literally a conversation going back and forth in my mind where I’m trying to figure out if I should say something or not. And one of my friends is usually on the receiving end of this. So much to the point that he knows certain cues from me means I’m having a hard time formulating my words or expressing myself.  I’m not a person who likes to rock the boat. As I’ve stated in previous posts, I’m very non confrontational. So when I do decide to speak, I want to make sure my words are seasoned well.

Where does that get me? No where. I haven’t gotten over the issue, I just suppress it until I’m faced with a similar situation and then I go into defense mode. Not defense where I’m fighting or arguing, but instead I retreat because I’m protecting myself and the other person. It’s also me trying to filter out what’s worth speaking on and what’s worth letting go.

I use to be really mean, especially to my brother and sister. My words would cut like a knife. I wanted to hurt people the way they hurt me.  I never want to be that person again. I know I’ve grown, but there’s still more that I have to do. I’ve graduated from saying everything that’s on my mind and responding from my insecurities to now writing them down, mentally processing it or mostly not saying anything at all. The thing about that is, I never really release it. Also, I’m not a therapist so I can’t work out everything on my own.  And usually when I have the opportunity to talk about it, I’m not ready because I’m still in my head. I’m asking myself questions like, “Why was this a trigger? How did it make you feel? What did it remind you of? Is this something that you need to speak on? Why or why not?” Some of these questions keep me up a good portion of the night, until I’ve made a choice I can live with. 

I never want to hurt someone with my words because I’m speaking from an unhealed place that their actions or words unknowingly poked at. I say unknowingly because more than likely, I’ve never revealed those wounds to people.  But it’s an area and opportunity for growth. And God knows growth is uncomfortable. It can be ugly and it can be painful. But the results are out of this world. 

I know I can’t write all my feelings down. You’re going to have to talk to people about some very uncomfortable emotions at some point Eshia! And as scary as that can be, it’s another part of moving out of this safe haven I’ve created for myself. And when I tell you this box is COMFORTABLE?! Baby! I worked hard on this box. The design is one of a kind. CanNOT be duplicated because she comes fully furnished with all my insecurities and wounds that I’ve nursed for so long. And I think, if I let those things go… who am I? If my insecurities, short comings, and mistakes are destroyed, who do I then become? And the answer is I become who I really am. Those things I hold onto are pieces of my former self, but never who I was intended to be. And to be honest, every time I put up a post revealing something about myself, I’m destroying parts of that box. 

I think in this case, lateness doesn’t apply. We all come into revelations about ourselves at different times in our lives.  There’s no set time where we stop learning because we are constantly evolving. I’m so inspired by some of the people in my life who don’t just talk about things they want to change or do, but put them into action. They remind me that it’s never too late. Let’s stop putting time constraints on our growth and blossom a beautiful garden in these metaphorical streets and have a party to celebrate our growth!