He Knows My Name

We all have a desire to be seen, heard or acknowledged. It’s part of the human experience. As stated in previous posts, connection and fellowship are all things that God put in us to function, so they’re not bad. It can hurt when people ignore, reject, and dismiss you. Did you know that being ignored by someone you care about has the same chemical reaction on your brain as a physical injury? That’s major. I knew I wasn’t being dramatic. So what kind of impact does it have when it feels like God has forgotten? He hasn’t, I know just flow with me for a sec.

Let’s talk about Abraham and Sarah. For the most part, we focus on the promise that God gave to them about Sarah giving birth to their son Isaac and the waiting aspect. They were both in their old age…like senior citizen, nursing home, one foot in the grave old, and the promise seemed impossible. 40 years they waited for Isaac! Sarah finally gave birth at 90 years old. Chile…I’m not even gonna hold you, that is a LONG time! I’m thinking about whether I want to try to have kids at 40, but my girl gave birth at a WHOLE 90 YEARS OLD! God bless. One thing I never realized was the story within the story. Because Sarah didn’t think it was going to happen and ultimately felt like God forgot, she let Abraham sleep with her servant Hagar. Hagar conceived Ishmael through their “coming together”. The Bible is FULL of drama. It continues to say that after Hagar conceived, she looked down on Sarah for her infertility issues. Then Sarah had the nerve to be mad at Abraham like it was all his fault. She said “let the Lord judge who has done right between you and I” like girl be forreal.

To continue the story, Sarah was all up in her feelings about everything and basically mistreated Hagar so badly to the point that she ran away. Not Sarah trying to do God’s job then getting mad when it’s jacked up. In the midst of Hagar running, an Angel of the Lord appeared to her calling her by her name. That was the part that stood out the most to me. Abraham and Sarah could only see her as what she was to them or what she did for them. Not even a who, but a what. God saw her as He created her. He called her by her name, Hagar. Totally unrelated, but when the Angel continued to read her down about who Ishmael was going to be in the future I was stunned. That part was WILD, can’t even lie. You should read it in your spare time.

El Roi, the God who sees. That is who Hagar knew God to be in that moment of deep sadness, hurt and fear. God sees me. He sees me as Myeshia. He sees you as (insert name here). The power in that is outstanding. We are not the circumstance or the situation that others remember us as or even what we remember ourselves to be. Oh to see and address ourselves the way God does.

I have tried to push pass the feelings of invisibility. I find comfort in the background because I’m use to not being seen. The more I want to hide, the more God makes it that I can’t. I’m being seen, but not totally in the way I want to be. I know I have a gift and I’m thankful for it. But what I have found is that people don’t see me beyond the gift, they see me AS the gift. Lately I’ve found myself looking for that shell I had put away, just so I could hide and breathe. To be honest, life has been kicking my butt a little bit and I’ve just been on go mode not fully dealing with things. I’m not always honest when people ask how I’m doing because I just don’t want to get into it. Feeling emotions? Ewww. Just kidding. Sometimes I do just want to yell out “I’m not ok! I’m feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I can’t always verbalize it” and just have someone sit with me in my not being ok. See me when I smile trying to hold back tears. See me. Hear me. Acknowledge me.

This post is birthed out of some pain I’m currently experiencing. Things God has promised me are taking a little longer than I was expecting and feeling like He doesn’t care, see or hear me. And honestly some consequences of my own actions catching up to me. I am both Sarah and Hagar. It can get hard and the control freak in me wants to take over because God’s timing don’t be timing like I want it to time. But my Bishop always says “God is never too early and He’s never too late.” He sees and knows all.

Sometimes it’s hard to see where He is in all this when you’re being fought in what seems like every angle of your life because who told Him I was one of His strongest soldiers? The season I’m in right now feels like things are starting to die around me. The days are shorter and nights longer. Some days are cold, gloomy and rainy. It doesn’t feel like any life would thrive here and if it did, would anyone notice it? We stay indoors mostly during this season so no one really cares about what’s happening outside. But then I’m reminded of who God is and that He planned for life to bloom no matter what season. He sees and thinks about the things that we don’t even pay attention to. So, I too can grow and blossom in this season because He already saw me and where I would be. He sees me! And even those times I feel like He’s blind to what is going on, He always sends a reminder either through a friend, through a song or through something I’ve read. He’s El Roi. The God Who Sees.