Healing Sold Separately

I decided to finally go back to therapy and my way of handling life is being challenged. This has been one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve experienced in the sense of coming to terms with childhood traumas, seeing and accepting people/situations for who and what they are, recognizing and owning my part and that I need healing for every stage of my life.

Taking accountability has never really been an issue for me. I’m just naturally apologetic, even when I haven’t done anything LOL (but that’s another topic for another day). I can see what I’ve done in the dilemma and why things might have turned out the way they did. As I’m on this healing journey, I’ve been able to acknowledge that I not only take accountability for myself, but also for others. I take on the entire weight of an issue while everyone else involved moves on. I’m carrying everything on my own, and not because I have to, but because I think I have to if that makes sense.

My therapist told me there’s no award for the Strongest Woman, and she’s right. For so long, I’ve done this thing where I will make myself uncomfortable for the sake of everyone else. A sort of self- sacrificing. I was taught early to suppress my “negative” or “bad” emotions, so when they slip out a bit I’m embarrassed. When things happen involving myself and someone outside of my born family, I’m so emotionally disconnected I can’t even put words to a feeling. I totally dismiss myself and want to make sure the other person is ok. I want to make sure they aren’t under any pressure or experiencing any unpleasantness. Again, this all stems from my struggle with abandonment and my fear that the people I’ve chosen to be in my life will leave me. I can’t comprehend what I’m feeling outside of pleasant emotions most times because I have taught myself to simply not feel them, depending on the person and circumstance. And when I say I’ve been boo-hooing EVERY session…I’m surprised I have any tears left.

What I’ve learned is that I’m not important. What I’m feeling or experiencing is not worth dealing with. I have lied to myself and others to minimize the fallout. Why make a crazy situation worse by being honest with how things effected me? What does being open about my feelings really get me? As long as the majority are ok, then it’s ok. That has been my mindset. Don’t rock the boat if it’s attempting to dock, even if I’m about to fall overboard.

And in trying to heal the little girl who had a pretty good childhood, but things changed at age 10, there’s the 15 year old still dealing with watching her parents marriage decline and losing her home and stability; and the twenty something who never felt like she truly fit anywhere her whole life so she’s always played it small, she felt behind and has never known what it means to be wanted or desired so she faded and stayed in the background, to now the thirty something trying to understand what her life is about and where she should be. My soul needs therapy.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed with my emotions, I isolate. I become MORE quiet (can you imagine that) because all the talking is going on in my head and I have a hard time articulating my feelings. This place can get dark and lonely. Eventually I re-emerge, but it’s such an unhealthy coping mechanism. I recently decided to start a new Bible study that begins at the beginning, Genesis. Chapter 1 is all about God being a creative. As I was reading, immediately verse 2 caught my attention. It says, ” Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.” Currently where I am, even though some great things have happened, in this place of healing things can be dark, lonely and even chaotic, like the beginnings of the earth. But God’s presence hovers over and moves in those spaces waiting to create something wonderful and full of purpose.

So as I go along this journey, I have to be intentional with reminding myself that even in the midst of nothingness, in darkness, in confusion, God is ever present. When I can’t talk about what’s happening inside me with family and friends, God is ever present. When I want to start all over in a new place with new people, God in His infinite wisdom, reminds me that whether I change my environment or not, I still have to heal.

Healing is both a rough and beautiful road. Some days are good, other days I want to pull my twists out one by one. I needed to stop talking about healing and finally do the work. And boy is this some work! As uncomfortable as it is, it has also been revelatory and necessary. Some challenging, hard truths are being revealed and having to sit with them isn’t easy. Healing is the greatest gift I can give to myself and I want to finally believe I’m deserving of good things for the optimistic 10 year old; the confused, angry and disappointed 15 year old; the 20 something year old with no identity, and the now 30 something year old woman who just wants peace.

I’m not late, even though I feel like it. This celebration takes a little more detail and time to set up. Once all of the decorations are up, tables set, lighting just right, it’s going to be a party like no other.