It’s Ok To Love You Too

I’ve been MIA, I know. I’ve received a lot of feedback from people asking where I’ve been and that they are waiting for my next post. Thank you! I’ve been trying to remodel my room and myself. You know, doing some internal and external work. I had some issues with my blog hosting site as well, because I’m slow with this tech stuff. I’ve also had a touch of writer’s block. To be quite honest…I have A LOT of unfinished work. Aaaaannd we’ll start right here. 

I, Myeshia M. Brown, am a Non-Finisher (I chose that word because no one likes to be called a quitter, am I right?). I don’t complete the task to its fullest potential. I do just enough and then I rest for the remainder which can range in time. Like with my blog.  It took me WAY too long to start it.  Then once I finally did, I left. The list goes on and on and on.  I’ve started weight-loss programs, had some results, then quit for absolutely no good reason.  I even joined a book club and never read one of the books ( I’m so sorry Taylor).  I just started remodeling my room and because the desk I ordered is now sold out, I’ve sort of given up. I’m sitting in an unfinished, incomplete room.  Which I think is sort of reminiscent of my life, or how I perceive it to be at the moment.  

I had a conversation with a member of my tribe the other day and we were talking about “Courageous Conversations”.  She LOVES them, the rest of us hate them lol.  I don’t mind self-reflection, however, I dislike reflecting in front of others.  The conversations are necessary, but I’m more of a “do it by yourself where no one can see you ugly cry” person *insert Kim K. crying face*. They are an awesome reminder of how much growth you’ve had, yet they can also be a scary indication of how much work you still need to do.  They can haunt your dreams about all of things you said you would accomplish and those goals you made, but you haven’t even started yet.  Eerie whispers like “Remember when you said you were going to start therapy this year to work through those issues you have?” or “You were supposed to be losing weight,  but you can’t stay away from Chic-Fil-A huh?”  And as I sit home because outside is closed, I have nothing but my thoughts to be alone with all day.

Instead of continuing the work on my internal issues that I started at one point, I decided it was too hard and set my focus on things that didn’t matter like what new show to watch on Netflix. I fill up my time talking to friends on the phone while they’re accomplishing the things they set out to do and I root for them 100%, but I never give myself the same push. I don’t give my self the same love and support that I so generously hand out to my family and friends, who are awesome by the way (love you guys ). I have no excuse for why. My parents did not raise us to be quitters. They made us see things through until the end. So my not knowing how to let go is their fault LOL. Sike, it’s me. It’s ALL me, but that topic is for another day.  Somewhere along the way I developed this behavior of self-sabotage. This subconscious way of thinking that I am not worthy of completion became my routine. Anything I set out to do for me is not important enough to see all the way through, unless it’s directly attached to another person. I go full throttle when I’m obligated to someone else, but why not for myself? And now I feel stuck in this rut that I don’t know how to get out of. Well, I do know how. I’ve gotten myself, (of course with the help of my tribe and God) out of funks before. I have to work for it. I have to know that this isn’t all that life has to offer. Nothing worth having comes easy. So I guess the question is, how bad do I want?  What am I willing to do or sacrifice for it?  This post doesn’t have a big moral at the end.  It’s self reflection for me.  It’s setting a pace to show me that I still have SO much work I have to do, and now that I’ve let you all in on my “dirty little secret”, I sort of have accountability partners.

All these clocks and I still couldn’t find the time.  Being late is rude and I’m sorry for showing up only when it was convenient for me.  I’m sorry for not being the consistent person I know I am.  I’m sorry for not completing the tasks like I know I’m fully capable of. This got me together as I wrote it (as well as Mitch who wouldn’t get off my back LOL, thank you). I, Myeshia M. Brown, am a reformed non-finisher (you snatch the caps, you snatch the power) who will show up for herself and be present. I realize that in showing up for myself, I’m showing up for others. This specific post is sort of a “Courageous Conversation” in its own right, I’m not ugly crying though.  Thank you all for taking this journey with me as I continue to navigate the sometimes treacherous waters of life.