The Dating Game

Your girl was dating! That’s it. That’s the post.

I say was because ion’t wanna do it no more. Dating in your 30s is so ghetto.  There are some really interesting people out there, although every experience wasn’t bad.  I actually had a very memorable time with one guy.  He had slightly restored my hope.  We were on the same page with our intentions and what we wanted.  There was a mutual interest.  We vibed almost instantly.  It was like being with someone I had already known. 

And just as I was feeling more and more comfortable with him, things changed.  It turned into my usual experience with men.  Consistency was no longer a thing.  Communication was lacking.  The interest, focus and attention were on something else.  The dates were fewer and eventually I was the one reaching out or TRYING to plan things. And before all the women come in my comments…I already know.  It left me in this space of questioning and uncertainty.  I tried to sit with my feelings.  It was new and he wasn’t my man, we were just “dating” but I liked him.  He was intelligent, funny, handsome, he was a gentleman, I felt protected when we were together, he didn’t pressure me about anything, and he was consistent…in the beginning.  

I noticed the changes and chalked it up to life doing what it does to people. He was barely responding to my messages.  He was no longer sending “Good Morning Gorgeous” texts.  My phone calls weren’t being answered or returned.  So, I went into “show and prove” mode.  This consists of me painting parts of my face white, putting on my big red shoes, red nose and curly wig because I turn into a WHOLE clown! I was Ronald McDonald out here.  I performed  and felt like I had to remind him of my existence and value.  I was triggered.  When the circus act didn’t work (chase), I then decided to run.  So here I am writing this post, still very much single, still very much alone, still very much trying to pick up the pieces from doing things that I knew better than to do. It wasn’t giving what it was supposed to.

I have a tendency to romanticize.  I hadn’t planned the wedding, but I saw the relationship.  Unfortunately he didn’t even know he was part of it. Or maybe he did.  So when things changed so drastically, I wasn’t ready.  I told very few people about him.  Chile…I saved his name in my phone (I knew better).  Things ALWAYS go downhill when you tell people and when you actually save the number.  This is a proven fact.  This was the first time I was allowing myself to be in the moment.  To enjoy the time and experiences I was creating.  And I wanted to keep doing that with him.  And I think it’s something about that “almost” moment. That moment the thing you want is in arms reach but it never comes to completion.  I started to go back into my head and overthink EVERYTHING.  I was panicking.  I might’ve seemed cool on the outside, but inside I was sending out smoke signals and S.O.S’s.

Which goes back to my Connection post.  It’s all intertwined.  I wanted connection and was trying to have it, but once I felt shut out my Nervous System went haywire and I had a hard time trying to regulate internally.  Then Abandonment comes to the forefront and wants the spotlight.  I chased, then retreated, then chased again.  I’m so embarrassed lol, but hey I can only be honest.  This post isn’t meant to bash so I hope it doesn’t come off that way.  I will always take full accountability for what I do because I know I’m the drama sometimes. But I will say, when you both want the same thing, it’s not a fight.  And boy did I feel like I was in a tussle.  I know that men and women don’t show love the same way.  Men are more action based, so when he wants you, he’ll show you.  I’m new to dating and as much as I would like to, I won’t get everything right. It’s unfair to expect myself to know how to navigate situations I’ve never been in, no matter how old I am.  So I’ve extended myself grace.  It’s all a learning experience. 

I took my time getting dressed for this party.  I really wanted to look, feel and be my best.  And although I feel late, I know I’m right on time.  Sometimes I feel like God is saying “SINGLE FOREVER!” ALL CAPS!  And to be transparent, I don’t like that.  But He knows the plans that He has for me, so while I’m waiting I’ll trust Him.  I often wonder if the man that’s for me feels the emptiness of his missing rib.  If there is a pain or longing there to find me.  If life just ain’t hitting right because I’m not there.  I wonder if he’s praying for me like I’m praying for him.  And as I sit and ponder, I know that I would rather wait for the right one than continue to hold space for the wrong one.