Weak Signal

Connection– a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else. 

How can we have relationship with no connection?  Shout out to my good friend Deondra for calling me out asking me a question I never thought about. (Sidenote: EVERYBODY NEEDS A DEONDRA). She asked me “Why don’t you connect with people or let people in? Is it because you’re good with those you already have in your life and you’re not looking to add more?”  I gave her the basic answer.  “Yeah, I don’t need anymore people in my life.  I’m good with my circle.”  While this is true, it’s also false.  Follow me, I’m going somewhere I promise.  What I realized, in a nutshell, is that I’m afraid to connect with people (for time purposes, afraid is the quick answer so we’re going to go with that). And I could’ve said that to her in the moment, but I mean I wouldn’t be me if I made the most sensible choice.  That’s actually another example of me and my connection issues, even to those close to me. Tyra would be disappointed.

I don’t have many friends…surprise surprise.  But the ones I do have mean the world to me.  We’ve seen each other through some ugly moments, beautiful times and indifferent situations. Each relationship took work, communication, disagreements, being therapists, shoulders to cry on and so forth.  And to be honest, I don’t even really know how these friendships came to be.  I sure wasn’t searching. But somehow, some way, we connected. And though it wasn’t easy from my perspective, being open, trusting and vulnerable were the best decisions I made. Being an onion sucks, but we do taste good in most dishes so that’s a plus (that’s a joke about having layers). Most importantly, they took time. Time to get use to each other. Time to get an understanding.  Time to establish trust on both ends. So I know how to do it, but it’s still something I struggle with.

Without giving y’all all of my business, I ALMOST had another friend.  In the process of becoming friends, things didn’t go the way I wanted or saw in my mind. After much self reflection, I can admit that I played a big role in the negative outcome. One thing this situation reiterated for me is that relationships of any kind are a mirror and they will show you the good, the bad and definitely the ugly.  This relationship showed me my ugly (embarrassed face).  It showed the unhealed parts that I realized I was masking.  The parts that I thought I overcame until they stepped in the picture.  All of the communication skills I practiced on myself went out the window LOL!  Y’all I was a mess!  

I wanted to connect so badly with this person, but I didn’t believe I had the skillset to do it.  I wanted them to know me without knowing me.  I didn’t have the confidence that once they saw me for me that they would want to stay around. I diminished my value and self worth. Now how sad is that? Sad and ridiculous.  I have people in my life (family not included) who have seen me literally at my lowest: when I was mean, when I was self conscious, when I was insecure, when I was timid, and they’re all still here (most of them anyway). Connecting is intimacy. It’s showing the very core of who you are to someone, trusting that even when they see the messy parts, they’ll still love you because it’s you. 

My brain wouldn’t or couldn’t grasp that concept.  My feelings and past traumas took centerstage and I allowed them to steal the show.  So all the progress that I made, and the strides I thought I had taken were now in the nosebleed section watching me act a fool.  There’s not much I can do about the situation now besides let it be something to grow from.  And grow I will.  I was rushing the connection without being fully connected myself because I didn’t understand how to connect to them.  It’s a lot deeper than that, but this isn’t therapy and we don’t have the time.  You’re never late when you’re in the process of healing or discovering things about yourself.  I know the importance of connection, it just doesn’t come naturally to me because it’s scary *inserts ghost picture here* But as I grow and takeaway lessons from this specific situation, I will challenge myself to be more intentional with connecting even with those who are currently in my life.

And to be honest, a lot of people come with preconceived notions and drawbacks when it comes to relationships and connecting. How much should I share? Should I share? Will they be able to handle all sides of me? I truly admire the people who have that “This is me, take it or leave it” type of thinking. Somebody help me! Please! As always, thanks for coming on this journey with all the speed bumps, twists and turns. Keep your seat belts on.